Для совершенствования навыков в разговорном английском старые знакомые анекдоты и истории.

***

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep.

Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend. - Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see. Watson replies, - I see millions of stars.

- What does that tell you?

Watson ponders for a minute. - Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

What does it tell you?

Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks.

- Watson, you're idiot, someone has stolen our tent.

***

A plane is on its way to Houston when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down.

The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for Economy and that she will have to sit in the back.

The blonde replies "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Houston and I'm staying right here!"

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in First Class who belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Houston and I'm staying right here!"

The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to reason.

The pilot says "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde."

He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says "Oh, I'm Sorry, " and she gets up and moves back to her seat in the Economy section.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.

"I told her First Class isn't going to Houston.

*** 

"Can you spare some change?" a beggar asks a passerby.

"No, I know you're going to spend it all on vodka." "No, sir, I don't drink."

"Then you'll gamble it away." "No, I don't gamble either, sir."

"Well then, you're going to spend it on women." "No, sir, I don't spend money on women."

"Okay," the passerby finally agrees, finally.

"I'm going to give you 100 dollars, if you come with me.

I want to show my wife an example of what can happen to a man who has no bad habits."

***

Night. A sleeping couple is lying in a bed.

Door bell rings.

A couple wakes up.

Woman: "Quick! My husband is back!"

Man jumps out from a window.

Flying down he starts to think: "Shit! But I am the husband!"

***

This is a joke that I often tell, with my own embellishments, while on lecture tours in India. You’ll see why.

There was a simple and little Hindu priest who lived in Mathura.

Once he had the chance to go visit the Pope at the Vatican in Italy. After traveling to the Vatican, he walked up the steps and through the halls of the opulent building where the Pope stayed. He looked in awe at the beautiful marble floors and majestic columns. Then he came into the Pope’s office and he greeted the Pope who was seated behind his desk. The little Hindu priest sat nearby and they exchanged pleasantries.

Then the Hindu priest noticed a red phone sitting at the end of the desk. So the Hindu priest asked what it was.

“Oh, that’s my hotline to God,” replied the Pope. “Whenever things get too difficult and I need to have a personal talk with God, I give Him a call.”

“Oh,” said the priest.

“Would you mind if I tried it?”

“No, not at all,” the Pope responded.

So the little Hindu priest picked up the phone, dialed the number, and sure enough, he got through to God. So he offered his respects and prayers, said he was very happy to talk to Him, and then hung up the phone after only five minutes. He was a smple priest and did not have much more to say to God.

He then thanked the Pope for the privilege of using the special red phone. The Pope replied, “Oh that is quite all right. By the way, that will be $75.” “Seventy-five dollars?” inquired the Hindu priest.

“Oh yes,” said the Pope. “You know, long distance charges. It’s a long way from here to God, you know.”

So the priest pulled out his wallet and gave the pope the seventy-five dollars.

Several months later, the Pope had the opportunity to visit India, and it was arranged for him to come to Mathura and visit the little Hindu priest.

So the Pope approached the little hut of the Hindu priest, ducking his head as he walked through the door. He sat in a chair in front of the little table where the Hindu priest was pleased to again meet the Pope. They exchanged greetings when the Pope noticed the same kind of red phone on the priest’s table as he had at the Vatican. So the Pope asked what that was. “Why, I also have a hotline to God,” replied the Hindu priest.

“Do you mind if I use it?” asked the Pope. “I really have a lot on my mind.”

"Please do,” responded the priest.

So the Pope got on the phone and got a good connection and managed to get through to God. He offered his prayers, but then had many things to discuss. He talked about the trouble in the Vatican, the difficulties with the priests and legal charges in the United States, the changing attitudes of the congregation in England and Europe, and so on. Fifteen minutes went by, then a half-hour, then finally after nearly an hour he was able to put the phone down.

Then he said, “Thank you very much. I feel a lot better now. I had so much to talk about.

By the way, how much will that be?” The Hindu priest thought a moment and then said,

“Two rupees.”

“What,” the Pope replied, surprised at how inexpensive it was. “Why so cheap?”

“Why don’t you know?” asked the little Hindu priest. “Here it is a local call.”

***

A boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered:

- Hello?

Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to the youngster, the boss asked:

- Is your Daddy home?

- Yes, - whispered the small voice.

- May I talk with him? - the man asked.

To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered: - No.

Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked:

- Is your Mommy there?

- Yes, - came the answer.

- May I talk with her?

Again the small voice whispered:

- No.

Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child.

- Is there anyone there besides you? - the boss asked the child.

- Yes, - whispered the child, - a policeman.

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked:

- May I speak with the policeman?

- No, he's busy, - whispered the child.

- Busy doing what? - asked the boss.

- Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman, - came the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone, the boss asked:

- What is that noise?

- A hello-copper, - answered the whispering voice.

- What is going on there? - asked the boss, now alarmed.

In an awed whispering voice, the child answered:

- The search team just landed the hello-copper. Alarmed, concerned, and more than just a little frustrated, the boss asked:

- What are they searching for?

Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle:

- Me.

***

One day many years ago at a school in South London a teacher said to the class of 5-year-olds,

"I'll give $20 to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived."

An Irish boy put his hand up and said,

"It was St. Patrick."

The teacher said,

"Sorry Alan, that's not correct."

Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said,

"It was St. Andrew."

The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right either.

Finally, a Gujarati boy raised his hand and said,

"It was Jesus Christ."

The teacher said,

"That's absolutely right, Jayant, come up here and I'll give you the $20."

As the teacher was giving Jayant his money, she said, "You know Jayant, since you are Gujarati, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ."

Jayant replied,

"Yes, in my heart I knew it was Lord Krishna, but

business is business!"

***

Источник.